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Napisałem dnia 2012-05-15, 21:34:07

Z jakiegoś powodu otworzyłem starą konrespondencję. Warto ją zachować dla siebie, na przyszłość. Ty, który to czytasz po latach - przemyśl to. 

Jeśli udało Ci się z Nią ułożyć - jesteś zwycięzcą.

Hey Aliya :)

The first of all, I'm really sorry I didn't make it to our OM... I can imagine you were waiting. :(

I had some tough moments yesterday. Th party was great, I've met lots of friends, we've made great plans and I've finally collected a crew to realise my sick "motivation 1.01" plan I was telling you! :D Yet, lots of alcohol and some other stuff has ended up in killing some ppl. 

Problem there is....

At some point of the party one girl shown up. One girl I have some light history with - we were kind of into each other MONTHS ago. Still, she came to the party with THAT look in her eyes. That look pointed at me. 

Then I started to think and my mind went from the party mindset to thinking one once again.

I've started to argue with myself, it was a bit like me, my mind and my brain were fighting... with my nature. 

Let's get back to 1992. I was 5 years old and I was one hell a lot of smartass back then. I was the only kid in the kindergarden who could read and our carer was ofter using that fact - I was reading fairytales to other children. And I felt really good watching all of the peple looking at me and listening. Then I realised, that some day I'm going to rule the world. It's a destiny, you know. Especially, when you're 5 years old, then you know everything :D

One day, our carer has asked us "what kind of animal would you be, if you were animal?". Kids were answering everythin - lions, because they are so strong, butterflies, because they are so beautiful, horses, because they are so fast.

I've answered - WOLF. The carer was suprised and asked "why?" And then she has heard the answer. Words that has changed my life, words which I still hear deep inside my mind .

"Because I want to be alone. I want to be >Grześ< and no ">people<."

And... yes, I am wolf. Lonewolf, precisely. I don't need people, yet I am social person. I don't like socialising, yet I need it. I'm a bunch of contradictions.

Since I'm "single" I'm... single. Always alone, never looking for anyone, yet always being found by someone. And I really like this lifestyle, it's easy and not demanding. I know my value, I see, that I've got chances with girls. I don't have to do much, still I don't understand why.

And I really, REALLY like that lifestyle. Even if it's ruining my reputation in BEST - but one does not care about reputation in BEST, as this organisation is SICK and HYPOCRITICAL.

So, the girl came to the party. That look, that dress, these moves. We've talked for a bit and I've left to my friends, as there was another problem to solve. Half a liter of a problem is always a good reason to call me. 

Then she has found me in a club. We were dancing... and then something has happend.

I've metaphorically slapped myself. "The fuck are this going?! Back off, she's trying to seduce you, Fool. Focus. Focus on Your Princess."

Problem there is - you, My Princess, you have changed my nature... I took a really long walk home. Really long one, I think it was 3 hours. I was thinking about the situation with you. And about me being stupid.

And I've realised, that these things are connected - I became stupid after meeting you. :D And I LIKE it. I spend half of a party thinking about you. And I like it. I spend 3/4 of every day with you in my mind. And I like it :D

You've put be back on track, Aliya. Thank you. :)

So, problem for you - now you have to deal with me. :D

I'm a wolf. Yet, even wolves can be tamed, can't they? ;-)

Your Lonewolf.

Your Errand.

Your Knight.

---
Napisałem dnia 2012-05-09, 19:40:46

Daria

and still.. i dont want to study ((

me

Damn it, Daria!

I'm working my ass here every single freaking day.

Tuesday, Friday, Sunday - no difference.

Every single day I wake up the same hour, have breakfast the same hour, walk the same 3.5km on way.

Every single day I enter the same office and work on the same stuff to develop my damned disseration.

Every damned day I get back home at the evening and every damned day I have three choices for the evening only: running, movie or mindless internet browsing?

Every single freaking day I'm fighting with my own motivation dropdown.

I'm buried under books and PDFs here.

My eyes are constanly red because of  computers.

But every single day I do my job as I am supposed to do.

And you know what? Every single day I know it doesn't matter what I do here, because even if my boss told be few days ago that he can see me in his company after I graduate - I won't take this offer, because I want to work for Schlumberger.

So - it's "pointless" to learn that stuff I'm studying here, it's pointless to read those enormous amounts of books and pdfs, as I'm NOT going to use that knowledge in future!

So, PLEASE... stop complaining.

It's half past 3 there, right? Move your pretty bottom to your books, use as much time as you need to do stuff for your uni so you will be done earlier.

THe faster you make it, the faster you're free and the faster you can focus on things you enjoy doing.

Life is as simple as that.

You do stuff you must do as fast as you can, so you can switch to things you want to do as fast as you can.

Moreover - you do stuff you must do the best you can, so the people your future MAY depend on will be happy. You never know what kind of conicidence will affect your future.

The fact I'm here was caused by one HUGE coincidence and nothing more.

And now I'm working my ass off, so we BOTH (me and my friend, Czarek) leave good impression, so I won't ruing the job opportunity for Czarek, who did not receive Slb offer and who is couning on vMACH GmbH.

Seriously.

Please... you're a smart and brave girl, aren't you?

Use that potential. Do stuff and change that condamned world. Step by step. First step - studying. Second step - passing exams.

And please, stop affecting MY motivation.

I'm also not really happy about the stuff I'm doing here.

---
Napisałem dnia 2012-05-09, 11:43:30

Ale: :)

  

so

  

for that

  

i really want to clarify any questions you might have

  

i don't want you to assume anything

11:21 PM 

me: I don't have any.

  

I know everything I need now.

 

Ale: that didn't sound too good

11:22 PM 

me: Well...

11:23 PM 

I didn't mean anything bad.

  

The whole situation is ridiculous, isn't it?

 

Ale: quite very

11:24 PM 

this is what miscommunication does to people

 

me: Well, for some time my life looks like some kind of movie.

11:25 PM 

Apparently the last episode was from a soap opera.

  

A cheap one.

 

Ale: last episode is Ts'F and me I gather

  

you have every right to say that

 

me: Not only you...

 

Ale: me and Daria

  

:D

11:26 PM 

me: Not only...

  

Let's face it.

  

At some point at the breakfast I was sitting at one table with 3 girls.

  

I've slept with all of them within last year.

 

Ale: hah

  

interesting

 

me: There was that Daria issue.

  

There was you.

  

There was that issue between you and Mik.

  

There was that epic fail of Mik with Katerina.

11:27 PM 

Ale: how did that go, actually?

 

me: Well... he played it dirty with me.

  

So I've decided to play his rules and let it go on knowing, that she has a boyfriend.

  

It was doomed from the very beginning, but since he never asked nad he played it dirty...

  

Oh, well. ;-)

11:28 PM 

Ale: they did make out at least

  

the three of them

  

:P

  

but anyway

 

me: Well... still it was after me.

  

;-)

 

Ale: you made out with her?

:D

 

me: No, we turned around from you to talk about politics...

 

Ale: =)))))))))

  

seriously?

  

:D

11:29 PM 

me: Girl, I was winging for my friend there.

 

Ale: now that's an interesting turn of events

  

and Mik still preferred to go after her

  

:)

 

me: Yeah... that was 33.3% of the dirtiness I'm talking about.

  

Another 33.3% was the way he did it.

11:30 PM 

Last, and the most important part, was the fact, that you were there.

  

I mean, I have completely nothing against doing such thing with meaningless people.

  

But not with those I care about.

[...]

11:54 PM 

me: You want to know why I feel like I'm stupid?

 

Ale: you're not, but why?

 

me: It is a secret indeed.

  

So, let me tell you a short story.

  

Story about Friday night.

  

From... my perspective.

11:55 PM 

Ale: please

 

me: Buckle up, as it's and upside-down tale.

  

So, it's midnight, the Rubik's Cube is starting.

 

me: I was kinda not in a party mood, so I've decided to stay in my room.

 

me: So, I'm in the room.

  

Talking with Katerina about her TEDx speech.

  

That it reminded me about myself on the veery first days of TRAP13.

11:57 PM 

But I wasn't in her position - there were Kuni and Borys there.

  

They were racing agains each other to kick my ass for my behaviour.

  

Borys's first words were "Grzes, why won't you shut the fuck up?"

  

While Kuni's (my coach!) were: "Grzes, I have a task for you. Try to shut up for one entire day"

11:58 PM 

Ale: :p

 

me: Plus having Lidia as my Buddy I had a nice shock therapy.

  

Thankfully there was Lukasz at my TRAP.

  

When I've listened to Kuni's advice, I've realised, how annoying that guy is.

  

And I had a nice comparison with myself.

11:59 PM 

Altough there's still a huge difference - he's just an insecured attention bitch, while I'm a dark-minded, ironic and sarcastic bastard.

  

Who is not holding back his words.

  

Kuni has heard that conversation, so we've started to talk about "good ol' days".

12:00 AM 

It was almost 1am already.

  

I've lied down on my bed and Daria came to me.

  

She joined and, actually, she felt asleep.

  

After some talking.

12:01 AM 

Then I've told her that I'm going to check what's happening with the party, drink one beer with Mik and will get back to her...

  

I came down and I saw Mik being lost in a space.

  

But that's quite an usual view, so I didn't pay that much attention.

12:02 AM 

I've started to talk with Kata - she;s flirting with me on every event we meet, and I have to say, that's she is a tempting one indeed... but she has boyfriend and I never mess with that kind of stuff. ;-)

  

So we're just having fun - she's pretending she's hitting on me and I'm pretending she's a good dancer. ;p

12:03 AM 

Ale: :)

 

me: Anyway...

  

Quite a big circle gathered around and I made a joke ,that they are all winging for me.

  

You were there alredy.

 

Ale: aaah

  

right

  

:D

 

me: Then 5 of us moved to the partyplace.

12:04 AM 

3 of you, girls, you've started that sick conversation.

  

Mik was almost there to join, while I obviously was freaking away from catching you topic.

  

"It's a TRAP!"

  

But we've both seen some kind of potential.

12:05 AM 

I didn't know much about your situation, yet I've seen that this dumb has no idea how to start.

  

So seing, that it would be rather hard to separate the third girl (sorry, I can recall her name now) from you, I've decided to take KAta away.

  

I have no clue what has happened behind my back... but apparently it didn't work out that great for Mik.

12:06 AM 

So he came to me from another side (walking around the pillar), pointing at Kata with a finger and saying "Ah, Grzes, by the way, dibs!"

  

I was like "What the fuck, I'm already at the 2nd base".

  

But, let's face it, I didn't call dibs, and he did. In a very dirty way, but still.

12:07 AM 

Then I had 4 choices.

  

Either to go away...

  

2. To get back to you two.

  

3. To get back to the third girl and leave you alone;

  

4. To take "care" of you.

12:08 AM 

Let's be honest, I wasn;t interested in the first 3 options at all, when there was the option no. 4.

  

And the problem is, that I've made counting at that moment.

  

"1. Daria in my bed. 2. Ale here. GO."

 

Ale: :))

 

me: Actually: "What do you do, GO".

 

Ale: God, it's almost funny

12:09 AM 

me: It's hilariously funny, actually.

  

For the thir dparty person, I guess.

 

Ale: fourth

  

:D

 

me: 6th...

 

Ale: actually yes

  

:))

  

7th if you count Daria

  

:)

  

so :D

 

me: sh...

  

So, you wanted a 5-some?

  

You "won" me.

12:10 AM 

Ale: fair enough

  

:))

  

I was just out of it

 

me: Consolation prize.

 

Ale: and I only just remembered

  

that I kissed Andreea

  

:))

  

that is her name, btw

  

:)

 

me: That was hot :)

  

BTW, I remember saying "Watch and learn" to Mik.

12:11 AM 

And his eyes were like "show me what you got, you bigmouth!"

  

To make it more funny, I said it twice.

  

First, while taking Kata away. Second - when he took KAta.

  

:P

 

Ale: God

12:12 AM 

this is... awesome

  

:))

 

me: I'm not sure if it is in that context.

  

We're still talking about the situation that has brainfucked us both.

 

Ale: the two of us?

 

me: yeah.

12:13 AM 

Ale: this gives me some very good perspective

  

that I had omitted

 

me: He seemes to get out without a scratch.

 

Ale: indeed he does

 

me: Yet I still remember his question:

 

Ale: because he was the only one who genuinely did not give a fuck

 

me: After he observed me aproaching you...

12:14 AM 

"WTF, Dude, do you EVER hesitate?!"

 

Ale: that's... fascinating

 

me: Whatever.

  

Just to finish the story of my perspective...

12:15 AM 

So I've made that maths.

  

And it was like... "So Ale is smoking hot, scarying intelligent, extremely fun and, let's face it, cool as Lapras in the deep ocean waters"

12:16 AM 

"While Daria is... well, my pillow now".

  

I kind of feel sorry for her... but she knows exactly what is my approach.

12:17 AM 

I would really love to eat a pill that would make me repay her feelings... I'd eat dozen of them!

 

Ale: yes, but she loves you so much that she doesn't understand what it means

 

me: But there's nothing. Absolutely nothing.

  

I mean, I like her. Dot.

 

Ale: it's as much her fault as it is yours, the situation

12:18 AM 

I really can't blame you

  

for not saying no

  

she's still a very cool, smart and beautiul girl

 

me: But... I am saying "no" quite regularly for years already.

 

Ale: even if the sum of those in your mind does not equal magic

 

me: But then, before Ts'F, I gave up. I've told you that already.

12:19 AM 

Ale: yes

  

you did

  

i think she'll grow out of it too

  

soon

 

me: Now that was an unlucky coincidence.

  

We'll see.

 

Ale: unless you go to Eka again

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Napisałem dnia 2012-03-22, 00:38:28

My dear Grzes,

I think it was very therapeutic that you just took the time to write these things down ;) It's awesome to stop and think about just how amazing your life really is and truly acknowledge that. I'm quite certain that by the moment you got to the end of writing it you were feeling a little silly. And pressing send always makes it feel more real.

Now the only things I can say are: 

1.Your life genuinely fuckin' rocks, dude :D 

and 

2. Forget about that hoe! :))

One piece of wisdom from my love life - love is work ;) Sure, the universe sometimes conspires for perfect circumstances ("conditions are perfect" :p), the perfect things being said at the perfect time in the perfect place by that seemingly perfect person. But that's a moment in time. After that the rest is holding on to that feeling and reassuring yourself time after time that it's real. It's about thinking how hot, smart, amazing other people are and then deciding that you don't give a fuck, because in the morning you'd still rather wake up next to your person. And then smile like and idiot thinking about this most common of things, just because it's related to your person.

I think you've had that. I think you want to have that again :D and I also know that you will.

So does any of these girls actually make you feel that way?
....... (Mentally insert answer here) ......

Take good care of yourself, dear Grzes! And stop fast-forwarding. All those things will happen :D You're going to Munich, going to Ts'F and RM, going to meet those girls and discover plenty of new ones that you'll wish you had time for... maybe ultimately going to various ends of the world with Schlumberger for a few years. 

And with that you'll get your clean slate. Your reset button.

Ale

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Napisałem dnia 2012-02-26, 17:20:01

I just needed to share my thoughts with someone, sorry. :)

Everything's perfect. 6 days and I'm off the country. Hosting in Munich is reimbursed, I've got a scholarship (2 days ago my Uni has informed me that it will be 100€/month higher than we agreed on), my boss has signed me (and paid for) a training on one particular system I will need to finish my research - he paid 2500€ for that. Yeah, Two and a half thousand.

I've nailed that Schlumberger recruitment, I know it. There is a chance they will give me a job, that would be awesome. 

In terms of "relationship", I'm on top of my lifetime. 

Right now 3 girls are inviting me to visit them during my stay in Munich, luckily it's close to every single one.

I'm enjoying every single day with my friends.

I've been officially signed on for the next semester, what mean that the previous semester (the one during which  I've been on rJBT, beMORE4. RM and TRAP16, missing 13 out of 15 weeks of studies) was also nailed by me. With a decent avarage, seriously.

And I have an opportunity to travel around the Europe a bit with a girl I really really like. On the other hand, If I would resign from that one, I could spend some time with the other girl I'm intrested in even more right now.

One could say: Dude, that's just perfect!

And yeah, I would be... but then you see "XXX is in relationship" on stupid facebook... stupid social media. Still, you see that and you know, that it should have been you.

Damn world, the scumbag - always gives everything but the thing you really care for.

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Napisałem dnia 2012-02-26, 17:19:44

Aliya: but there are more reasons for that then just healthy life

I'm getting involved into a relationship

and I felt like you need to know

especially after I've read the letter

me: Well, it would be a suprise if you wouldn't :)

Aliya: you wrote a few days ago

yeah i though I wont

but when its not a distance one

it makes it hard to resist

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Napisałem dnia 2012-02-06, 15:22:58

"Grześ, nigdy sobie nie wybaczę tego w jaki sposób to zrobiłam rok temu. Potrafiłeś mi złożyć życzenia urodzinowe (ja niestety 15 lipca nie mogłam, gdyż byliśmy w bliżej nieokreślonym miejscu, na środku morza). Bardzo przykro, że nie potrafiłeś głupiego dziękuję odpowiedzieć w święta. Troszkę cie znam (znałam?) i wiem, że tak jak ja szanuję Ciebie, Ty szanujesz mnie. Chciałam podtrzymać znajomość, gdyż nasza była bliska, a rany już się zagoiły i przecież prowadzisz nowe lepsze życie. Przeliczyłam się jednak głupiutka. Szanuję Cię i to, że po prostu wolisz się nie odzywać. Ja już dojrzałam. Miłego więc i wybacz, ale spróbować musiałam  PS. Zachowaj to dla siebie, będę wdzięczna."

Śmieszna jesteś.

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Napisałem dnia 2012-01-30, 21:20:37

kurwa mać!

Panikuję. Nienawidzę takich dni jak ten.

Czekam, aż mnie kurwa olśni. Ni w tą, ni w tamtą. egzaminów milion, projektów też, a ja się nie mogę zebrać, bo:

1. Czekam, aż ona się odezwie;

2. Wkurwiam się, że za miesiąc się wyprowadzam i trzeba będzie się ogarnąć i robić od poniedziałku do piątku;

3. Bo mój mózg zamiast szukać wyjścia z sytuacji wkurwia się, że zmarnowałęm dzień;

4. Bo wszystko mi mówi, że już dawno zgubiłęm życie i to co mam teraz, to tylko jakiś pierdolony omam, który zniknie wraz z zakończeniem studiów.

Za miesiąc się wyprowadzam. Jak ja mam o tym Dianie powiedzieć? Dziewczyna coraz bardziej się rozkręca...

Kurwa, nie rozumiem. W którym momencie oduczyłem się cieszyć z tego co mam? W którym momencie zrobiłem się taki chciwy na wrażenia, że zawsze mi mało!?

Słaby dzień, słaby wynik. Idę biegać.

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Napisałem dnia 2012-01-23, 18:19:44

Frustrat alert.

Ja jebię. Nic nie pomaga, po prostu nic. Skąd we mnie te pieprzony miękki romantyk, ta nieskończona ciota? Nie mogę przestać myśleć o Aliyi. Nie mogę, po prostu nie mogę. Towarzyszy każdej chwili mojego życia.

Każdej. A to spory problem. Nie widziałem jej nieco ponad miesiąc. 

Tym razem wybrałem inną drogę "leczenia". Daria, Iza, Ola i Diana. Nie, nie działa, po prostu nie. Owszem, zły seks i tak jest lepszy niż jego brak w ogóle, ale kurde... nawet w takich chwilach? 

Note to myself: nigdy, kurwa nigdy nie pomyl imienia. Zwłaszcza w trakcie. Boli. Ja wiem, łatwo, gdy są cztery. Ale to żadna wymówka.

Note to myself 2: nigdy, kurwa nigdy nie pomyl imienia z Aliyą. Bo o ile poprzedni przypadek jest po prostu przykry dla dziewczyny... to ten rozpieprza głowę i psuje humor na kilka dni. Bo to nie jest Aliya, nie ważne jak bardzo bym chciał, żeby po przebudzeniu i otwarciu oczu to jej oczy się we mnie wpatrywały.

Jechać do tego Krakowa, czy nie? Będzie tam przecież. Będą też przyjaciele, ale... jeśli z nią nie wyjdzie drugi raz, to znowu wyjazd z głowy, a i długi czas po tym. 

Niczego sobie nie obiecywać, na nic nie liczyć. Na nic nie liczyć.

Na nic nie liczyć.

Na nic nie liczyć.

Na nic...

on air:
The Offspring - Self esteem

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Napisałem dnia 2012-01-15, 21:21:23